Efficient Baby Rearing

For all of those Mom’s out there that are tired, without makeup, half-starved…I have a pretty easy to follow and “Efficient Baby Rearing” technique.

All of the books that I read before pregnancy were right on. You DON’T have to give up your life because a little one has been added to the fold. You and your mate were there before baby was there. There is no need to make adjustments-the baby will just need to fall in line.

So, here are the techniques laid out for you.

1. Working out.

-The pressure to regain your post-baby  body is warranted. How do you expect to keep your mate if you give yourself recovery time? Continue working out immediately after the baby has been born-prepare for bikini season. If you took care of yourself and you are in good shape, there is no reason that you can’t be back doing double-unders in Crossfit immediately and looking like this….

80s Ladies

 

 

2. Wear the clothes you love and not the ones that you can easily nurse in/cover up spit-up/are stretchy.

-Why change your wardrobe to suit the needs of your child? They should understand if you have to completely disrobe in a public setting, (i.e. a friend’s birthday party) in order to nurse.

Dinner Party

 

3. Continue “running into” stores.

-The baby should understand that you have 5 errands to run and two hours to do them in. If the baby poops its drawers or is hungry-they will just have to wait. You  are teaching them patience and responsibility.

Bubble Vintage Sale

 

4. Ensure the baby sleeps only in its crib.

-It’s a bed. They should sleep in it. And unless you’re like me (frugal), you spent several hundred dollars for this bed. There is no reason they should prefer the car seat, the swing, your chest, your bed or anywhere else to their crib. It’s just not logical. Their crib or the highway.

Baby's Room

 

5. Sometimes, babies just cry. Let them.

-Only a namby-pamby woos picks up their kid after they’ve cried for several minutes. Let them cry. They’ll (and you) will be fine.

Birdie Crying

 

 

6. Continue to eat a well-balanced diet–and not some weird, cobbled together reheated-but-now-cold meal.

-What’s stopping you from cooking that well-balanced meal? The baby sleeps around 18 hours a day, according to the books I’ve read. That means you can prepare at least two gourmet meals. What else do you have to do?

Vintage Wife Cooking

 

 

7. Nursing is so natural and so easy.

-You don’t really need to know what you’re doing-you were made for this. Embrace all instruction, because it could be right. Don’t worry about the ramifications.

 

8. As soon as possible, allow the baby to “entertain itself”.

-Babies practically raise themselves. The less you coddle them, the more they’ll learn to be independent. They’re really not that cute. You can walk away.

Birdie Farmers Mkt

 

That’s about it. If you follow these techniques, you’ll do great as a parent. If not…well, you’ve screwed up another entire generation. No pressure.

 

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for the entire world. Deal with it.
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3 Responses to "Efficient Baby Rearing"

  1. Mom says:

    HA HA HA.. I have not witnessed any of these techniques successfully.

    Reply
  2. Allison says:

    I have had each of those rules told to me by various people. And they were serious. I get riled up just thinking about it.

    Reply
  3. Lilli-Mother-of-Eight-Practicing-Homesteader says:

    Hahahahaha….. I LOVE it!!!

    Reply

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