This was/is my house.

Welcome to my home.

We bought a perfectly livable house and then–tore it apart. Sure, we could have moved in and not changed a thing. Sure, there was a functioning kitchen and two usable bathrooms. And yes, the electrical and air were working and the heater kicked on appropriately.

Instead, Biceps and I dusted off our sledgehammers, slapped on our tool belts and got to work ripping most our house down to the studs.
Our realtor thought we were crazy and told us “good luck”. Our neighbors helped themselves to our necessitated open door policy and gave us their opinions. Some scoffed. Some offered condolences. Some told us we should have left well enough alone.

We knew our vision and the plans that we had for the home. And that’s what powered us through dust-filled nights, cut fingers and aching backs.
It was a poorly laid out home with adjoining bedrooms, a room devoted to a sauna, awkward transitions and unusable spaces. To make things right in this house, we had to get rid of all the junky craftsmanship and all of the poor decisions made before we ever owned the home. We had to fix what appeared to be somewhat working but indeed was not working.

I was thinking about our home remodeling escapades and of course, being the über deep person that I am…related it to my own spiritual walk in life.
For example, my “house” looked fine to outsiders while in college. I was a decent person, maintaining good grades, keeping my arrest record clean and going to church regularly.

However, on the inside, I was a total mess. I was full of unforgiveness, envy, pride and a bunch of other horrible behaviors I’m sure you can imagine. My selfish decisions in life led me to a humiliating low point; one where I was unsure of who I was and unsure if God could ever love someone like me.

I realized there was no way I could ever be good enough to deserve forgiveness. But yet, He gave it to me freely. I accepted His forgiveness and the fact that I was a desperate sinner in need of a Holy Savior.

That’s when He went to work on my heart. He tore off all my facades and ripped apart my poor craftsmanship and took me back down to the “studs”. I was a shell of a person, ready and willing to be rebuilt by the master renovator.

My “house”, both physical and spiritual, have been rebuilt with a distinct purpose in mind. Both “houses” took years to become livable. Both were a terrible mess and needed an expert to make sense of it all. I am so thankful He replaced my disorder with His perfect design for me–and continues to do so.

“This is what the Sovereign Lord says: On the day I cleanse you from all your sins, I will resettle your towns, and the ruins will be rebuilt.” Ezekiel 36:33

Amen and amen.

10 Ridiculous things I did to be like my Dad

I have a pretty awesome Dad. As a little girl, there was nothing more in my life that I wanted to do but to be like him. I idolized him. This brought about a lot of weird behavior on my part-trying substitutes for the adult things that I saw him doing.

I got to thinking about the silly ways I tried to be like him–which must have made him both laugh and feel honored. Here are a few ridiculous things I did as a little girl to try and be like my Dad.

1. I used to pray for a soar throat so that I may have a reason to carry cough drops in my pockets. Dad’s pockets were and still are filled with paperclips, rubber bands, cough drops, a tiny eraser, coins, folded kleenex and other essential items.

2. I witnessed a daily foot powder regiment with my father. So, I administered copious amounts of baby powder to my shoes–which I thought was the equivalent to foot powder. This created a gooey, sticky mess after running through mud puddles.

3. I memorized every line to every Beatles song ever written, so that we could discuss them on our “days” together.

4. Played simultaneously with G.I. Joe’s and Barbie so that the army guys would have equal face time with me.

5. Learned how to draw Kilroy, because that seemed to be the funniest cartoon ever, for all of mankind and into eternity.

6. Shined my non-leather shoes with shoe polish after watching my Dad buff his combat boots to a nice sheen. My socks, pant legs, hands and household items suffered due to my lack of leather vs non-leather knowledge.

7. Used duct tape to fix anything. And I mean anything.

8. We were timed as we did chores, motivating us kids to complete them “most rick-tick”. Presently, I have absorbed a habit of counting and timing everything I do-from how many times I stir the batter, to how long it takes me to walk across the house.

9.  I never believed in Santa, the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny. But, I sure as heck believed in the Clean Room Checker. He brought me a candy bar for a surprise clean room inspection. I still hope Biceps will one day take note of the cleanliness of my bedroom and leave me a candy bar.

10. I always wanted to know, up front, what the rules were and what was expected of me. It was better to get that out of the way, not disappoint or frustrate others and stay within the confines of societal norms. That is, until I reached my adolescence. Then, this knowledge was skillfully used to know just how far I could push the boundaries without crossing the line. I saw this skill as sort of a win-win. Have fun, but stay out of trouble.

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I think “they” are right. I love you, Dad.

A Revelation

I’ve never been one to want to smell a baby’s head, cuddle it while it’s crying or envision myself as a mom. I don’t get gooey over anything baby related other than tiny shoes. Seriously-tiny shoes are cute.

I know that the mothering side to me is there-my heart is not completely black. And I’ll admit to being a little jealous of women that had these motherly attributes that were seemingly and utterly “all that is female”. But for some reason, whether I was scared of admitting it or worried it may never happen, I wouldn’t allow myself to feel this way about a child. I love children, and I love them more when you’re taking care of their poopy diaper.

I was completely ok with life being only Biceps and I (and maybe a cat or two). Or so I thought. And then I hit 35 and the thought of having a little stubborn mini-Biceps running around shooting at squirrels with a stick, throwing rocks into ponds and generally being a boy overwhelmed me. Or maybe even a little mini-Rebekah with sassy pigtails organizing her stuffed animals.

But nothing happened. For awhile. Like a long while. Women all around me seemed to get pregnant with ease. I was happy for them, but there was that twinge. It’s like that feeling after a break-up when all you see are happy couples and you’re sitting alone in the corner with your single served ice cream glaring at them like a freak.

I’ve been that freak on more than one occasion. And here I was again. Well-meaning women would ask why we didn’t have children or why I didn’t like kids. My heart was ripped open one day, and I wrote this–A Letter from a Childless Wife.

It was cathartic but also extremely revealing to write something so raw for the world to read, to pass on to others or to judge me by. But, I did it with the hope that even if we couldn’t conceive, others might know the pain I, or any other childless wife, might feel each time their “motherly duties” were questioned.

And then, this happened.

I am blessed beyond words to share this revelation with all of you. I am honored that God chose this time for us to conceive. And, I covet your prayers as we move forward to our due date of April 22nd.

Biceps and I are finally going to be parents. Amen and amen.

♥♥(If you are in the midst of or have been through this same story, I would love to lift you up as you did for me when I wrote my letter. Privately email me or comment below.) ♥♥

We have a WINNER! Blue Skies Shop Free Dress!

Congratulations to the winner of the Blue Skies Shop Giveaway!

I will be contacting you via email and hooking you up directly with Blue Skies Shop!  You can pick out your brand new, super cute, FREE dress!

#23 entry–Hannah Jurgelis!

And for those of you that have no idea what I’m talking about-here’s a tiny recap of the cuteness that is Blue Skies Shop! 

This dress is priced at just $28. Hello! I’ll take two please.

I have fallen in love with these cuffs and they are only $22 each!

And, I will take this skirt for $24 that is both fun and practical.

I mean, seriously-this is cute. And with a little jacket and some brown boots, you are totally ready for the fall. Check out Blue Skies Shop to see everything they have to offer at very affordable prices.

Thank you everybody that entered. I’m sure this isn’t the last time you’ve heard from Blue Skies Shop!

(PS-I received no compensation for this. I just love their stuff. I bet you will, too! )